Wedding Anniversary

Today would be my 4th wedding anniversary, except that I lost my husband to cancer a year ago this coming Sunday. So, needless to say, it's been a tough week. Going through all of the firsts and reliving all of the beautiful memories of the love of my life. Our anniversary dinner last year (tuna helper on tv trays in the living room) was the last meal we ever shared together. He passed away 3 days later. What a gift that was. God is good and blesses us even in the midst of death.

I've been completely anxiety ridden this week, stress rash and all. (It's super pretty.) Last night as I went to bed, I was just about at a breaking point and I didn't even see it coming. (I'm not always good at reading signals.) I was laying there and EVERYTHING was bothering me. The tv was too bright and too loud, my entire body was uncomfortable, I was cold, I was hot, I turned the tv off and it was too quiet. Oh, and I couldn't breathe. Good times. Then I started crying. And crying. When I finally really felt like I couldn't breathe I decided perhaps it was time for the ancxiety meds. And some leftover pizza.

After a good cry I finally stumbled upon the right answer and opened my bible. I have a wonderful study bible that was a gift to my husband. It is special to me because it was his and he has all kinds of little treasures stored between the pages, love notes from me, pictures our son drew him. I looked up grief and read a few passages that did nothing for me, but I kept going.  I came to Job. There has to be something good in Job about grief, right?!?!

Job 3:23-26

New Living Translation (NLT)

²³ Why is life given to those with no future,
    those God has surrounded with difficulties?
²⁴ I cannot eat for sighing;
    my groans pour out like water.
²⁵ What I always feared has happened to me.
    What I dreaded has come true.
²⁶ I have no peace, no quietness.
    I have no rest; only trouble comes.”

So, ya, that's how I was feeling. Pretty sorry for myself. I read the notes on these verses at the bottom. At first it discussed Job's life and his losing perspective. Then I read this:

"Trials and grief, whether temporary or enduring, do not destroy the real purpose of life. Life is not given merely for happiness and personal fulfillment but for us to serve and honor God. The worth and meaning of life is not based on what we feel but on the one reality no one can take away-God's love for us. Don't assume that because God truly loves you, he will always prevent suffering. The opposite may be true. God's love cannot be measured or limited by how great or how little we may suffer. Roman's 8:38, 39 teaches us that nothing can separate us from God's love."

I wept at the revelation of God's love for me and remembered all of HIS work that came through my husbands illness and death. I slept peacefully last night and I woke up with a grateful heart this morning.

God is good. All of the time.

Many Blessings