Thursday, September 27, 2012

Wedding Anniversary

Today would be my 4th wedding anniversary, except that I lost my husband to cancer a year ago this coming Sunday. So, needless to say, it's been a tough week. Going through all of the firsts and reliving all of the beautiful memories of the love of my life. Our anniversary dinner last year (tuna helper on tv trays in the living room) was the last meal we ever shared together. He passed away 3 days later. What a gift that was. God is good and blesses us even in the midst of death.

I've been completely anxiety ridden this week, stress rash and all. (It's super pretty.) Last night as I went to bed, I was just about at a breaking point and I didn't even see it coming. (I'm not always good at reading signals.) I was laying there and EVERYTHING was bothering me. The tv was too bright and too loud, my entire body was uncomfortable, I was cold, I was hot, I turned the tv off and it was too quiet. Oh, and I couldn't breathe. Good times. Then I started crying. And crying. When I finally really felt like I couldn't breathe I decided perhaps it was time for the ancxiety meds. And some leftover pizza.

After a good cry I finally stumbled upon the right answer and opened my bible. I have a wonderful study bible that was a gift to my husband. It is special to me because it was his and he has all kinds of little treasures stored between the pages, love notes from me, pictures our son drew him. I looked up grief and read a few passages that did nothing for me, but I kept going.  I came to Job. There has to be something good in Job about grief, right?!?!

Job 3:23-26

New Living Translation (NLT)

23 Why is life given to those with no future,
    those God has surrounded with difficulties?
24 I cannot eat for sighing;
    my groans pour out like water.
25 What I always feared has happened to me.
    What I dreaded has come true.
26 I have no peace, no quietness.
    I have no rest; only trouble comes.”

So, ya, that's how I was feeling. Pretty sorry for myself. I read the notes on these verses at the bottom. At first it discussed Job's life and his losing perspective. Then I read this:

"Trials and grief, whether temporary or enduring, do not destroy the real purpose of life. Life is not given merely for happiness and personal fulfillment but for us to serve and honor God. The worth and meaning of life is not based on what we feel but on the one reality no one can take away-God's love for us. Don't assume that because God truly loves you, he will always prevent suffering. The opposite may be true. God's love cannot be measured or limited by how great or how little we may suffer. Roman's 8:38, 39 teaches us that nothing can separate us from God's love."

I wept at the revelation of God's love for me and remembered all of HIS work that came through my husbands illness and death. I slept peacefully last night and I woke up with a grateful heart this morning.

God is good. All of the time.

Many Blessings

Friday, September 21, 2012

FMF: Wide

This weeks Five Minute Friday with Link to Lisa-Jo Baker topic is Wide!


Deep and Wide. A song we sang in sunday school when I was very young. He loves us deep and He loves us Wide. It's impossible to imagine how WIDE His love can be. When my son tells me he loves me "this much" and stretches his little arms as wide as he can, I'm struck by how hard he is stretching. To imagine the Father's arms stretched, infinitely wider than we can imagine makes me catch my breath. My whole life I've searched for love (in all the wrong places, mind you!) and the whole time it's been there. The answer found in a childhood song. Deep and Wide. There is a fountain flowing Deep and Wide. A fountain of God's love for me. For you.

For a stroll down memory lane..... :)

Friday, September 14, 2012


I've been reading the Five Minute Friday posts by for several weeks now. I keep wanting to participate, but once I have read so many posts, I feel that I can't come up with anything original to write about. Ok, so that's probably just an excuse because I'm nervous to share unedited words.  But this week I got the email and saw the topic. I didn't open it. I waited until I had 5 minutes uninterupted to write. So here it is:

Focus. I often have a hard time focusing. I see where my son gets it from. I shouldn’t get so frustrated with him when he goes off track, I suppose. I don’t hear God scolding me from above when I’m praying and all the sudden I find myself thinking about dinner or a conversation I had last night.

I want to be better at focusing on what God wants me to focus on. I have a tendency to get a hint of what He wants me to do and I run with it. Since I don’t spend time enough figuring out what He really has in mind, I usually end up losing focus on whatever it is and end up nowhere.  So tonight I’m going to pray for focus. That He will lead me (and my wandering mind) where I need to go. Where He wants me to go. I want to focus on His will and not my own. I’ve done enough of that, and it just isn’t the way it should be.

Times up!

Looking forward to making this a weekly thing!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012


There is a song by Green Day titled Wake Me up When September Ends. There is a part of me that really wants to just hide under my covers and listen to this song until October 1st. My husband's birthday was September 3rd. Our anniversary is Sept. 27th. The first anniversary of his death will be on Sept. 30th. It all seems more than I can handle in just 30 days time. On my own, I know that I could never handle all of this grief. The heaviness that was in my heart before I even got out of bed on his birthday felt like bricks on my chest. But God blessed me richly that day. We visited the cemetery, had ice cream cake (my husband's very favorite!) with family and spent a wonderful day together playing games and getting ready for the first day of school.

As much as I'd love to hide under those covers, I choose to live each day. If I learned nothing else from my husband's illness, I learned not to take advantage of the time we have. I LOVE September. When I was a child I loved school. I loved getting dressed in my new school clothes, seeing my friends, even the school work. (Ya, I was THAT kid.) Yesterday was my son's first day of 3rd grade. He started a new school as we moved over the summer. He's always kind of struggled with school and generally hasn't had the best attitude about it. Miracle of miracles!!! He came home yesterday and told me he had a GREAT day!!!! Then while we were doing homework last night he told me he was a little excited for school the next day. I had to check my pulse. But lo and behold he got up this morning with no fight and was happy as could be. Blessings. They are everywhere. We just have to notice them.

It's going to be a hard month. But when I look for the blessings that God has placed all around for me (and you) to remind me that HE is right there with me, I know that I will make it through. There are many birthdays to celebrate, a wedding and all sorts of fun activities this month to help carry us through.

Have a blessed September!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phil 4:13