So, God has been drawing me ever closer to Him these past few weeks. Every time I turn around, there is a book, a scripture, a song, an encouraging word from a friend, a new book study, a blog post, the list is seemingly unending in how He has been speaking to me these days.
I've been feeling closer to Him, but still not connected like I want to be. The desire in my heart is growing and the same old thing just isn't enough anymore. I've been reading my bible, reading christian blogs, reading books, and most of all praying.....like on my knees praying, like never before. I've been pleading with Him to speak to me, to guide me, to tell me HIS heart.
So, yesterday morning I went to church. It was great. Worship was great, the message was inspiring. I went back for the women's book study at 5. Again, a blessed time with women of God, learning, loving and sharing. I have amazing women of faith in my small group and I am so encouraged and energized for the Lord by them. There are no coincidences that I am in this group with these women. After the book study, we stayed for the evening service. These Gathering Unto Him services have been taking place for 6 years. This weekend was the 6th anniversary celebration. I have been feeling guilty for not attending regularly, or at all considering I probably haven't attended 6 times in the past 6 years. But I went last week and again last night.
The worship was amazing. AMAZING! However, I wasn't feeling overwhelmed by the Spirit personally. I was longing for intimacy, to know that HE knew I was there. finally. However, I worshiped with my whole heart, knowing that I love Him and He is worthy of all praise. As the worship was winding down, a young man went up and spoke. What he spoke were words directly from God's heart to mine. He said that he felt like God was saying that He didn't care if I was there for the last 6 years or if I was getting up early to read my bible. That I was asking for His heart. He didn't speak it directly to me, he just spoke out. His obedience dropped me to me knees. I knew that God was speaking to ME.
HE HEARS MY PRAYERS!!!!
Then, a lovely woman of God heard my cries as this young man spoke and came to me. She hugged me and gave me another message from God. That I didn't have to be brave all the time. That I didn't have to be brave in front of HIM. I couldn't stand from the weight of HIS love.
When God speaks, things change. One of the lyrics we were singing said "In your presence, I am undone."
It is the truth. I was completely undone for the rest of the evening. I sat on my bed and cried for the longest time, just knowing that He spoke to me.
My heart was changed last night. I woke up a different person today. I really feel like something inside of me has changed. My heart feels more tender and I have this love for HIS creation. I am clinging to this love, this mercy, this Fathers heart for me. I'm not letting go.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
FMF: Roots
Roots
When I saw this prompt the very first thing that came into my mind was a song we sing during worship in church. I looked it up and it is called "Tree" and if I had to venture a guess I'd say it was based on Jeremiah 17:8.
Having roots that go down deep has long been a desire of my heart. For the longest time, this was only a physical desire of mine. As a child, we moved A LOT! I went to 10 schools by the time I graduated. This caused me a lot of anxiety as I was already a shy and timid child. I longed to live in the same place and be around the same people. This continued after I was on my own. I think I moved every 6 months or so for the first few years I was living independently. Finally, last summer I bought a townhouse for my son and I to live in. Our roots are already starting to develop here. We've made several friends in the new neighborhood and are really feeling the community.
Also, more recently I've had a desire for my spirtual roots to "go down deep". I have this inner longing to know Jesus better, to be solid in HIM. I've been through a lot in my life and I don't expect that things are going to get easier in the world any time soon. However, I do know that God has been with me throughout and that if my roots are in HIM I'll make it through whatever comes my way.
If you haven't heard this song before, I included the link. I hope it blesses you as much as it does me!
I'm linking up with www.lisajobaker.com for Five Minute Fridays! Join us! It's simple and so fun!
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Friendship
Over the past several years (or more...geez time flies!) I've mostly isolated myself. I have my BEST friend but she lives far away. As for friends that live in the same state as me, I've had none. I made very poor choices in my life and ended up being hurt over and over (and over) by people who claimed to be my friends. I knew they weren't trustworthy (frankly, there were times I wasn't a very good friend either) but I couldn't help but see the good in people and believe the best about them. Once I turned my life around (or more accurately, God turned my life around for me) and removed myself from these circumstances and these people, I was left with no one that I could trust. Not even myself. I got to the point that I was afraid to have a friend, because I was sure that I would pick someone that would betray me.
Then I met my husband and he filled that void. He was my best friend, my confidante, my everything. I got used to having someone to talk to and to trust with my feelings. Then I lost him. I was left alone again on a day to day basis. I still had my best friend (and always will!). But not having someone to call to come over and eat ice cream on a whim is lonely.
It's not like I was alone all the time. I had acquaintances from church who I considered friends, but we didn't socialize or talk on a regular basis. SO many people were there for me, but I wasn't ready to let them in. Not all the way, anyway. Throughout the couple of years going through cancer with my husband and his passing, God was showing me all of the people that cared for me. He was showing me how much HE cared for me through all of these people. People I didn't think even knew who I was. People I didn't know.
It's been a year now since his passing and some of these relationships have developed into true friendships, but still no friends that I had regular relationship with. Then one day I moved. A girl from church that I've always admired, but never really talked to much, volunteered to help me move. I was so touched. We spent only a little time together that day, but I felt so drawn to her. I wanted to be her friend. I ignored my fears and followed God's lead and emailed her and asked her over for dinner.
She accepted! We have had so much fun getting to know each other. She inspires me in her faith and her devotion to God and her family and friends. We laugh and have such a good time together. She has been such a blessing in my life! I told her the other day how she was the first new friend I've let into my life in so long. It was hard to admit, but I am so glad for this new relationship. I am learning to trust people again and through them, I am learning to trust God even more.
Friends are a blessing and I'm so glad that God is bringing me trustworthy good friends to spend time with!
Then I met my husband and he filled that void. He was my best friend, my confidante, my everything. I got used to having someone to talk to and to trust with my feelings. Then I lost him. I was left alone again on a day to day basis. I still had my best friend (and always will!). But not having someone to call to come over and eat ice cream on a whim is lonely.
It's not like I was alone all the time. I had acquaintances from church who I considered friends, but we didn't socialize or talk on a regular basis. SO many people were there for me, but I wasn't ready to let them in. Not all the way, anyway. Throughout the couple of years going through cancer with my husband and his passing, God was showing me all of the people that cared for me. He was showing me how much HE cared for me through all of these people. People I didn't think even knew who I was. People I didn't know.
It's been a year now since his passing and some of these relationships have developed into true friendships, but still no friends that I had regular relationship with. Then one day I moved. A girl from church that I've always admired, but never really talked to much, volunteered to help me move. I was so touched. We spent only a little time together that day, but I felt so drawn to her. I wanted to be her friend. I ignored my fears and followed God's lead and emailed her and asked her over for dinner.
She accepted! We have had so much fun getting to know each other. She inspires me in her faith and her devotion to God and her family and friends. We laugh and have such a good time together. She has been such a blessing in my life! I told her the other day how she was the first new friend I've let into my life in so long. It was hard to admit, but I am so glad for this new relationship. I am learning to trust people again and through them, I am learning to trust God even more.
Friends are a blessing and I'm so glad that God is bringing me trustworthy good friends to spend time with!
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
For When Being a Mom is Hard
Sometimes being a Mom is hard work. Ok, to be honest, it's hard MOST of the time. And sometimes I am REALLY bad at it. Last night was a good example of my lack of greatness in the parenting department.
I have one child to deal with. One sheet of math homework. It shouldn't be that hard, right? (How those of you with lots of kids make it through the night, I have no idea, but my hat is off to you!) The homework consisted of finding 3 labels from the kitchen and copying the measurements onto the worksheet and 2 practice problems, one addition and one subtraction. I am ashamed to say that this homework took nearly TWO HOURS to complete. There was yelling, crying, tantrum throwing, and walking away all involved. It was horrendus to say the least. We finally got it done. Fortunately for me, he must have been worn out from fighting about homework because he didn't give much resistance to the shower.
After he washed all of his anger down the drain in the shower, he came downstairs, cuddled next to me and in his little boy voice asked if we could start over. Of course, I cuddled him back, agreed and silently overflowed with thoughts of guilt and self-loathing. We talked a bit about how we both could have acted differently and then went to bed.
I often use a Bible app on my smartphone. So when I laid down in bed and opened the app it was on Isaiah 41 and the version was The Message. The title at the top? "Do you feel like a lowly worm?" How appropriate!?! That is pretty much exactly how I was feeling, except possibly lower. I'm supposed to be the grown up and I was acting just as childish as the 8 year old. I was feeling terrible and like a horrible mother. Afraid. Afraid of the impact my parenting is having on my precious son.
I read the chapter and then read it again in the NIV version.
I have one child to deal with. One sheet of math homework. It shouldn't be that hard, right? (How those of you with lots of kids make it through the night, I have no idea, but my hat is off to you!) The homework consisted of finding 3 labels from the kitchen and copying the measurements onto the worksheet and 2 practice problems, one addition and one subtraction. I am ashamed to say that this homework took nearly TWO HOURS to complete. There was yelling, crying, tantrum throwing, and walking away all involved. It was horrendus to say the least. We finally got it done. Fortunately for me, he must have been worn out from fighting about homework because he didn't give much resistance to the shower.
After he washed all of his anger down the drain in the shower, he came downstairs, cuddled next to me and in his little boy voice asked if we could start over. Of course, I cuddled him back, agreed and silently overflowed with thoughts of guilt and self-loathing. We talked a bit about how we both could have acted differently and then went to bed.
I often use a Bible app on my smartphone. So when I laid down in bed and opened the app it was on Isaiah 41 and the version was The Message. The title at the top? "Do you feel like a lowly worm?" How appropriate!?! That is pretty much exactly how I was feeling, except possibly lower. I'm supposed to be the grown up and I was acting just as childish as the 8 year old. I was feeling terrible and like a horrible mother. Afraid. Afraid of the impact my parenting is having on my precious son.
I read the chapter and then read it again in the NIV version.
Isaiah 41:9-10 (NIV)
9 I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:14 (NIV)
Do not be afraid, you worm Jacob,
little Israel, do not fear,
for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord,
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.
little Israel, do not fear,
for I myself will help you,” declares the Lord,
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.
God is so awesome. I love how He is there for us all the time. I don't even know why my bible app was in Isaiah as I was reading Romans last time I used it. But there it was. Exactly what I needed. Encouragement from the Father and a reminder that He is always there for me to lean on and ask for help.
I'm feeling much better about homework time tonight.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
The W word
Widow. If I am honest with myself, I hate this word. It reminds me of the loss of the love of my life. It reminds me that all my dreams of being married and having a family (in the traditional sense) were realized and then lost.
But it is so much more than that. It is an ugly word and there are so many connotations that are bad. When I hear the word widow, I think of a bitter, old, lonely woman who never smiles. She dresses in drab colors, has unkempt hair and wrinkles from frowning. Her eyes are empty. You feel sorry for her when you look at her.
This is not who I am. This is not who I am called to be. I like to smile. I love to see the joy in everyday things. I am lonely sometimes, but in the solitude I am drawn closer to Jesus.
I did some bible study on the word "widow" and I found so many instances where God commands us to care for widows and fatherless children. It gives me so much comfort knowing that he understands my grief and has given specific instructions for my care.
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
I miss my husband so much. But I am not alone. Not only do I have my family and friends looking out for me and supporting me. I have God.
I have a father in heaven who is there for me whenever I am lonely, whenever I am sad, when I am scared and when I am lost. Knowing He is there for me gives me strength. It brings me joy.
But it is so much more than that. It is an ugly word and there are so many connotations that are bad. When I hear the word widow, I think of a bitter, old, lonely woman who never smiles. She dresses in drab colors, has unkempt hair and wrinkles from frowning. Her eyes are empty. You feel sorry for her when you look at her.
This is not who I am. This is not who I am called to be. I like to smile. I love to see the joy in everyday things. I am lonely sometimes, but in the solitude I am drawn closer to Jesus.
I did some bible study on the word "widow" and I found so many instances where God commands us to care for widows and fatherless children. It gives me so much comfort knowing that he understands my grief and has given specific instructions for my care.
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
~James 1:27 (NIV)
"Learn to do right; seek justice.
Defend the oppressed.
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
Plead the case of the widow."
~Isaiah 1:17 (NIV)
I miss my husband so much. But I am not alone. Not only do I have my family and friends looking out for me and supporting me. I have God.
"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling."
~Psalm 68:5I have a father in heaven who is there for me whenever I am lonely, whenever I am sad, when I am scared and when I am lost. Knowing He is there for me gives me strength. It brings me joy.
"......Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”
~Nehemiah 8:10
***Linking up with Ann at www.aholyexperience.com***
Friday, October 12, 2012
FMF: RACE
1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. Seriously. That is, like, the rule. And the fun. And the heart of this community..
Link up here.
This weeks topic: RACE
The very first thing that comes to my mind when I see the word "race" is how, since my son was old enough to walk, we've been "racing". Racing to the bathtub, racing to brush our teeth, racing to the car. You get the idea. In his nearly nine years of life, I'm fairly sure it is the most brilliant parenting strategy I've come up with. Whenever he would argue with me about not wanting to do something I would challenge him to a race to that very thing and he was instantly taken over by his competitive nature and before he knew what happened he was in the bathtub. ;)
We haven't raced in awhile. Maybe it's because our new house has an upstairs and I'm clutzy, or possibly it's because he is actually fast now and I don't have much of a chance anymore. But the other night he was complaining about the shower and things were about to escalate and I remembered the race. It worked. We raced to the top of the stairs. He won. And he took a shower.
We haven't raced in awhile. Maybe it's because our new house has an upstairs and I'm clutzy, or possibly it's because he is actually fast now and I don't have much of a chance anymore. But the other night he was complaining about the shower and things were about to escalate and I remembered the race. It worked. We raced to the top of the stairs. He won. And he took a shower.
Friday, October 5, 2012
FMF: Welcome
Linking up with http://lisajobaker.com/ for Five Minute Fridays. Five minutes of unedited, free-writing. No rules other than to visit the 2-3 link-ups before yours and leave an encouraging word.
This weeks topic: WELCOME
9 years ago I was unwed, pregnant, living with my mom. I was a disaster. I was ashamed of myself, my life, everything. But I had this baby growing inside of me and somehow I knew things needed to change. Since I was living with my mom, I had to follow her rules which meant I had to live by her rules. Living by her rules meant I had to go to church every Sunday. I grew up in church so it wasn't like I didn't know God or anything. But I was ashamed. I was embarrassed to go. I didn't know any of these people as our old church had shut its doors and I hadn't been to her new church. But I went. People were nice to me but I wasn't really open to their welcome.
Then one day I got invited to a baby shower. For my baby. I was welcomed by all of these women who I didn't know at all. They put together this wonderful party for me and my son. He was showered with wonderful new clothes and all the things new babies need. (Technically times up.....but I'm not done yet!)
I was so touched and as I look back, I see that God was welcoming me back. He used these beautiful women to show me His love. It took me a while to get back on track with Him, but knowing that there were people that loved God enough to love me, sins and all, really opened a giant door for me.
To this day, my son and I are close to one of the families from that church. They are "Uncle and Aunt" to my son and I still remember the darling outfit she got him at our baby shower.
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